We all know that men can have communication problems, but when he’s just not that into you, it’s almost impossible to get him to admit it. So we need a man → euphemism → gobbledegook service, so that what he really means doesn’t get lost in translation.

It’s not just about communication problems, either. When men have bad news to communicate, they can get very nervous about how it will be received.

Will she get upset/angry/cry/throw something?

Men do not like being on the receiving end of women’s emotional outbursts, especially women to whom they don’t feel committed. Somewhere inside they are thinking “This isn’t fair. I haven’t signed up for this – yet – and I don’t see why I should have to put up with it”.

Don’t Waste Your Time Wondering What It Meant

Many women spend hours, alone or with their friends, mulling over what a man really meant when he said – or did – something they see as confusing. But the confusion stems from their unwillingness to believe what is usually quite obvious, simply because it’s not something they want to believe.

After all, it’s not easy to admit to yourself – or to your friends – that he’s just not that into you.

Men are pretty straightforward about most things, and when they’re not, it’s because they don’t want to hurt your feelings by being too blunt.

So when he’s start’s being evasive, vague, cagey or just plain shifty, it’s because he’s trying to tell you something he thinks you won’t want to hear.

“It’s not you, it’s me”

This is the classic say-nothing, get-out-of-jail-free card. It’s usually accompanied by a lot of guff about how he doesn’t deserve you etc. (see below). He means he likes you but he’s just not that into you – not enough to want a real relationship with you.

“I don’t deserve you. You can do much better”

Perhaps he can persuade you to stay in an open relationship; one where you are both free to look around for someone else while you go on having sex. But as far as commitment goes, well, he’s just not that into you.

“We can still be friends”

He means you can hook up occasionally, but he doesn’t want to date you or get to know you better, because he just not that into you.

“I’m not really into relationships or labels”

He doesn’t want a monogamous relationship with you, and please don’t call him your boyfriend. It could scare off other women he might want to date.

“I’m not ready for a relationship yet”

He was hoping you wouldn’t mention the words “relationship”, “exclusive”, or ask the dreaded “‘where is this relationship going?” But now you have, he’s hoping he can keep his current options open by hinting at the possibility of something better happening in the future. Right now though, he’s just not that into you.

“I think we should take a break”

He’s beginning to feel nervous that you think you are in a relationship together, when he doesn’t – and he doesn’t want to be, either. He’s just not that into you. But he wants to keep his options open, in case nothing better turns up within the next few weeks.

“I need space”

Did you refer to him as your boyfriend? This has made him very nervous indeed, and he wants to put things back onto the casual footing where he feels more comfortable. You are also expecting to see him more often than he really wants, because he’s just not that into you.

He disappears

This man doesn’t bother with an excuse, no matter how corny. He’s either a coward, or he doesn’t like you enough to bother telling you he won’t be seeing you again. He hasn’t died, fallen off a high building, under a bus or into a coma, and he’s not “too scared” to call you. He’s just not that into you.

What It Actually Means

When a man comes out with one of more of these lines, he’s making his bid for freedom.

He’s hoping you won’t mind too much, and that you’ll let him go without any more fuss. If you haven’t actually been dumped, then your relationship has been downgraded to casual, and you have become a Friend with Benefits.

Unless you are genuinely happy with this, then you should cut all ties with him completely. That way he can’t enjoy the benefits of your company without the responsibility of caring about your feelings. And he won’t have any excuse for calling you a stalker either, and telling his friends about that crazy girl who just won’t leave him alone.

He’ll be quite happy to go on sleeping with you though, until he finds a better option.

Don’t Kid Yourself: Accept That He’s Just Not That Into You

When men huff and puff in this way, women sometimes choose to blind themselves to reality because they want to keep him, and they want the relationship to work.  Because he hasn’t actually said he was dumping them, they keep their hopes alive, wondering if there’s still a way they turn things around.

You have to accept that there probably isn’t.

So don’t sit around with your girlfriends mulling over what he really meant, and why he did this, that and the other. Men usually say what they mean, even if they don’t say it so bluntly that their meaning is crystal clear to a chimpanzee.

There isn’t something you could have said or done differently that would change things. When a man really wants to be with a woman, he’s not hesitant or ambiguous towards her. He makes his feelings quite clear, so you won’t have any doubts about how he really feels.

Right now though, however he put it, what he really means is that he’s just not that into you.

If this has happened to you, there is a way for you to change things. Men who have flip-flopped between appearing to like you, and then going cold, can be turned into men who can’t stop chasing you. Listen to this video to find out how.

This Post Has 6 Comments

  1. Lisa

    There’s is this guy I met through official engagements. I have met him like 4 times now on official business. He teases me all the time, talks to me while tapping my shoulders or upper arms a few times. Twice he has told me about his family (siblings and parents and their marriages) without me asking, but he’s never talked about if he’s married or has kids. Twice he’s asked about my kids and he offered me a chance for my son to shadow him at work without asking. He compliments me and noticed when I changed my jacket and even nail polish! Last time I saw him he asked his assistant to leave the room and he will let her know if he needed her. I also noticed he’s extra nice to me but he was being very assertive with his assistant when giving her tasks. When I saw him last, he said bye to me loudly smiling brightly as receptionist watched his animation telling me I can always call whenever I needed them (offcourse I didnt as its an official relationship and definitely reception will answer those calls). He saw my work ID hanging on neck and commented how beautiful my photo was. I have a crush but I have stayed composed all this while but wondering what to do/ how to interpret things. We dont work together for same company by the way so I rarely meet him. He’s a service provider.

    1. Sarah

      He’s doing a bit a flirting and by the sound of it he’s a pretty accomplished flirt. Flirt back if you like him, but try hard not to get crushes on men you barely know. It’s much too soon (although women are very prone to this) and puts you at a disadvantage when you interact with him because you have already invested your emotions. And if will help your son to shadow him at work, accept. But say to yourself very firmly ‘This Is Not a Relationship and It Probably Never Will Be’. Lighten up.

  2. Pamela

    My boyfriend has been blowing hot and cold lately, which I hate. Does it means that he’s gone off me, that he’s got cold feet and is unsure about the future, or might it just be men being men?

    1. Sarah

      It could be any of them. How long have you been together?

      If yours is a new relationship, then he’s probably having doubts about it, but that doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship is doomed. If you’ve been chasing him, then try withdrawing a little and wait for him to call or text. Men value what they have to work for, so this isn’t the time to overwhelm him with attention.

      If you’ve been together for a while, then he might be having doubts, or there might be something else going on in his life which is distracting him. When men withdraw, it’s a mistake to try and pull them back. Give him enough space for him to have to move back towards you when he is ready.

  3. Nicola

    I broke up with my boyfriend recently, but he says he he wants us to be friends. We belong to the same social set, so we can’t avoid seeing each other in the future. I really love him, so I find it hard just to treat him as a friend. What should I do?

    1. Sarah

      Why did you break up with your boyfriend if you still love him? Or was it actually he who broke up with you? And if the former, do you now want him back?

      Without knowing this it’s hard to answer your question, but perhaps you could try to avoid social scenes where he’s also likely to be present for the time being? It needn’t be forever, but you need to give yourself some time to get over the breakup before you can treat your boyfriend with equanimity. Remember, being in the same social set doesn’t mean you have to be close friends. You just have to be OK with seeing him around socially, but that WILL take time.

Comments are closed.