Never underestimate the power of a dream. Just think of the strength of your OWN dreams.
Well, men have dreams too, but they’re not the same as your dreams.
One of the really evil tricks a lot of men pull when women ask why men won’t commit is to say that they haven’t really thought that much about the future. Don’t you believe it. Of course he has thought about it.
Want proof? Well, for a start, he has a career, doesn’t he? And that career wasn’t just dropped whole and complete into his life by the stork. He thought about what he wanted to do with his life, and then planned how to achieve it.
And you can be sure he’s thought about commitment and marriage too. And he will have a good idea about whether he sees that as part of his life plan, and when he sees it happening. You see, men’s attitude to commitment isn’t nearly as casual as they often like to make out.
What Men Really Think About Commitment
Most men take commitment seriously – in fact, very seriously. Commitment to him means responsibility: a house, a mortgage, children – and bills. Right now you both work and have money to spend on having fun; it’s not a problem. But with commitment, he’s looking years down the line, at a mortgage, a wife immersed in motherhood and not earning any money, and he being the one who has to keep the whole show on the road, financially speaking.
Looked at like that, you might stop asking why men won’t commit. In fact you might start to wonder why any man would want to saddle himself with such a burden. Nevertheless, they can and do – but NOT until they feel confident of being able to carry such a responsibility.
Connected to this is his need to be the protector and provider. If he loves and reveres a woman enough to want to marry her, a man wants to be able to offer her a future worthy of her value. It’s a matter of pride, in himself and in being the kind of man a woman like her deserves; a man who is good enough for her.
Achieving this status inevitably takes time.
And that’s without considering the thought that he’d like to have a bit of fun before he starts shouldering all that responsibility. This brings us to the idea of the blueprint, the plan he’s made of how and when the narrative of his life is to pan out.
Understanding the Life Stages of Men
We all go through a pattern developing our characters from childhood through to maturity. But a man, and especially the man who sees himself as a leader and provider, goes through different stages of growth and development that make him the man he wants to be.
Essentially it comes down to what a man thinks he should be doing at any particular time in his life.
When he’s young, he’s just starting out on his career and he’s focused on getting on and succeeding at it. He also wants to have some fun. Maybe that just means having a good time with his friends; or maybe he’s going to travel the world, visiting fabulous exotic places and meeting fabulous exotic women – and having mind-blowing sex with all of them.
And although he DOES want to meet the right woman one day and build a life with her, it’ll be when he’s done all that, and is ready to settle down.
This idea can really mess with a man’s head.
He meets a great woman just when he thinks should be devoted to his career. Should he change his blueprint? Should he drop it? Or does he dither over it, thinking “This is all wrong. You weren’t supposed to show up yet”, and then decide that this means you can’t be The One after all.
What Makes Men This Way?
Women don’t usually have this problem, and can find it quite difficult to understand.
It’s not that women don’t have plans for their life too – of course, they do – but if they meet a great guy they will look for ways to make things work, by compromise or by adapting their plans to include him.
Men are much less willing to do this.
A man will challenge himself, and compete with other men, to the best he can be. He will do this in all areas of his life, in his career (by competing with rivals for promotion and success), his leisure time (always wanting to impress and outdo his mates), and with women (wanting their approbation and approval). All this gets him what he most needs and desires; admiration and respect.
To achieve this it’s vital for a man to understand his purpose.
To be happy and fulfilled, a man needs to have a goal, an ambition; a place to which he is travelling. Without such a purpose, his life lacks meaning. A man who is confused about his purpose, or who has lost sight of it, will become disengaged from life; withdrawn and distant – because he no longer knows who he really is. A man is this state will also withdraw from his relationship.
He needs to be engaged in something, focused on it, doing it well, excelling in it. This is what his blueprint is all about – how he is going to make a terrific success of his life and fulfill all his ambitions.
How to Change His Mind About Commitment
Now, a man can change his blueprint at any time. But something has to happen to make him want to change it.
Remember George Clooney, a classical example of a man apparently scarred by the failure of an early marriage, who never intended to repeat his mistake. No doubt his aversion was quite genuine, but when the right woman came along, his views did a 180 degree turn. Suddenly, marriage seemed like the greatest idea in the world again.
There was actually nothing at all unusual about George’s U-turn. A lot of men do exactly the same, when they meet a woman who represents something so valuable to them that they decide they just can’t let her get away.
It’s just a matter of showing up to him as THAT woman. When he sees you as that unique, ultimate woman, who makes his life better, happier and more fulfilling, all those reasons why men won’t commit will evaporate like mist in strong sunshine.
Find out how to become that woman here.
This Post Has 4 Comments
I’m 32. About 6 years ago I met a man who was perfect for me, but it didn’t work out. Reading this, I can see lots of aspects of our relationship reflected.
A year after we split up, he married someone he’d only known for 6 months. It lasted a year. The thing is, I still love him. If I were to reappear in his life, would I have a chance to make him see that I am the one for him?
Possibly, but it wouldn’t help at all if you were to seek him out and pour out your feelings to him. That would be far too overwhelming and a big mistake.
If you do contact him again, do it casually, without loading it with huge emotional weight. That might be difficult if you haven’t got over your old relationship: a man can sense when a woman wants something from him that he doesn’t want to give. And anyway, your old relationship failed, so you don’t want to resurrect it. Accept that you would be starting again from the beginning. Show him positive reasons for believing things would be different this time. Don’t talk about the past.
I broke up with my boyfriend last month. I am 20, he is 19. you seem to be saying in this post that we are just too young. But we really love each other. Surely if that’s true, we can make it?
You are very young, which means you are both still growing, learning and changing. But why did you actually break up?