You want to know how to get your ex boyfriend back. It’s all you can think about, but I’m going to ask you to put that aside RIGHT NOW for long enough to think, really think, about cold, hard reality.

And I want you to think about YOU. Is this failed relationship really all you deserve?

Breakups usually happen for a reason. A good reason. And that reason, contrary to what you passionately, obsessively believe at this moment, is that you are not made for each other. You are not soulmates. You are two people whose relationship has run its course, but the emotional shock of the breakup is preventing you from seeing it.

Right. I know. You don’t believe me. And you still want to get your ex boyfriend back.

And that’s the crux of your problem. This obsession with getting him back is leading you astray. It’s making you far too ready to blame yourself for the breakup, and to make excuses for him. This creates the wrong mindset for getting your ex back (and for getting over your ex, too), because it makes you into a supplicant, a beggar – and a victim.

You Need to Raise the Bar

Did you know that people only take action when something important to them is at stake?

But most women allow themselves to be driven by their emotions after a breakup. In their desire to get their boyfriend back, they cling to him and try to reason him back into the relationship. They become fixated on the breakup instead of the reasons for it, and they are often desperate to keep in contact with their ex.

Want to know exactly what I’m talking about? Well, it this sort of thing…

Pursuing them daily – hourly, in fact – with calls and texts
Begging for another chance
Promising the earth if only they’ll come back
Protesting your undying love
Obsessing over the breakup (without trying to understand the real causes)

In fact it’s so important that you know what NOT to do after a breakup that I have written a whole article about it, which I strongly recommend you read it right away. You can find it here.

You won’t get your ex boyfriend back by trying to convince him it’s the right thing. In fact, every time you call, beg or sleep with him in the hope of getting him back, you queer your own pitch. You’re feeding your desire to keep some kind of hold on him, but he’s never feeling the loss of you. For him the breakup isn’t real, final – and painful. It’s gradual, effortless and easy.

Every time he sees you, hears from you, sleeps with you, the stakes go down. The breakup becomes less raw, moving on becomes more natural. In the end, he’ll hardly notice you’re gone.

So you need to make the breakup into much more of a shock – for HIM.

That means not trying to be ‘friends’ (and becoming a friend with benefits). It means not doing things for him in the hope he’ll come back, or being sentimental about the past and trying to resurrect your relationship that way.

It means cutting him out of your life. Completely.

Things have changed between you.

You are a single woman now, and you have a life of your own; a life that doesn’t include him. This means using the power of silence.

Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back – Start a New Life

Accept that your old relationship has failed. This will remain true whatever happens in the future. Accepting this doesn’t mean that your breakup is definitely final; but it is the first step you must take towards a building new life.

You see, the funny thing about men is that they think about a woman more when they are away from her, and fall more in love with her too. Once you understand this, you’ll see why it’s best not to smother a man with your presence, especially in the early stages of a relationship.

And why not trying to get him back is so much more effective than chasing him.

So no more calls, texts, emails or following him on social media. Don’t call him from a blocked number (he’ll know it’s you). Don’t drive by his house. Don’t go anywhere you might meet him.

This is often called No Contact, and you can find out everything you need to know about No Contact by visiting this page.)

Don’t Be a Victim

What is being a victim here? Someone who puts their fate in someone else’s hands: aka your boyfriend.

That’s what you are doing when you pursue him with calls and texts, begging for another chance.

That’s what you are doing when you beat yourself up about all the things you did wrong.

That’s what you are doing when you blame yourself for the breakup and make excuses for him.

It’s a form of abasement and that is never attractive. If he thinks you’re obsessing over him and he could have you back at the drop of a hat, your value in his eyes will plummet. That sounds harsh, but the brutal truth is that men don’t value what’s too easy to get.

You must NOT let him think you are pining for him.

Show him that you are not desperate, that you can live quite happily without him. Never mind how you feel inside, you mustn’t let that show. If he sees you getting on with your life, it’ll get under his skin. He’ll wonder why you don’t look even half as miserable as he thinks you should.

And this applies no matter what he does. Even if he – especially if he – seems to be living the life of Riley, you must ignore him. Men can react oddly to breakups (to find out more about that go here), so don’t assume he’s forgotten you, no matter what he does.

There is to be no drama. None.

Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back – Live a New Life

No Contact is something you should do entirely for your own benefit.

This is your time. You are going to conquer this and emerge stronger. When it’s over – and it will be over, and sooner than you think if you stop obsessing and start living – you’ll be better equipped to cope with whatever life throws at you. You’ll be a finer, stronger person.

This won’t be easy. It’s a time for endurance rather than enjoyment.

When will I be happy again?

Right now you probably think the answer to that is ‘Never’. This is the problem you must use the No Contact time to solve.

Here’s a challenging thought to consider.

As long as you are dependent on someone else for your happiness, you will never be a happy person. Why? Because you have given the power to make you happy to someone else, leaving you with the constant fear of losing your happiness if – when – he decides to leave you.

Meanwhile, you can’t ever consider leaving him, because if you do you will leave your happiness behind you, with the person who owns it.

No Contact is your chance to prove to yourself – and your ex – and the whole world – that you don’t need him to be happy. Maybe you still want him, but you don’t need him.

Immediately you will have given yourself a massive power surge. The person who can be happy and enjoy life without depending on anyone else can never have their happiness taken away.

Think of this as YOUR time

The No Contact period is a time you devote completely to you. YOU are the focus of everything you do now. And the first thing you must do is get out of the house. No-one ever became a better, more interesting and more desirable person by sitting at home moping, eating too much and feeling sorry for herself.

Remember you want to be the best you can be. This is how you can do it.

Keep moving – exercise!

The first thing you must do is exercise.

Exercise is really good for you, not just physically (obviously), but mentally too, because it releases endorphins. These are the feel-good hormones that are stimulated by exercise, which raise your mood and make you feel good when you move. So do it, even if you only go out for a walk. It will make life look better, if only temporarily.

Learn how to be happy

Do more of what you enjoy most. Give more time to your hobbies, and take up a new interest. What adventure or project have you always meant to do when you had the opportunity? Well, now’s the time!

You want to feel good about yourself and your life.

Getting yourself moving and participating in things you enjoy will rebuild your confidence and show you that you can have a satisfying and fulfilling life without your boyfriend. No-one can have a healthy relationship with other people until they can first be happy with themselves.

You may have to work on yourself first

Think about how you feel about your relationships, not just with your ex boyfriend, but with everybody in your life.

Do you feel in control of your life?
Do you feel other people respect you, or do they take advantage of you?
Do you like yourself?
Do you think you would choose yourself as a friend?

Your relationship should never be a barricade against feeling incomplete and/or worthless. It should be a blessing that enhances your life, but does not define it. A good relationship is made by two happy people creating something together that is more than the sum of their two individual parts.

So you must accept the breakup and start moving on towards a more rewarding life, and a more successful relationship in the future. This may be with your ex, or it may be with someone new you meet later (for more about moving on, go here). Once you have done No Contact for a while, you may well realize that your ex is a douchebag, and you are well rid of him.

Reassessing the PastWhy Breakups Happen

When you first start dating, everything is great. You’re so in love that you can’t see any flaws in each other. Being ecstatically happy is constant and effortless. You are made for each other, and nothing can possibly go wrong.

This is known as limerance, and is called the honeymoon period.

The honeymoon period can last for anything from a few days to a few weeks or months; even a year or two. Usually it depends on how often you see each other; people in long distance relationships can remain in limerance for years, if they only see each other occasionally.

But eventually it ends. Sometimes it ends more quickly for one partner, leaving the other still in the full flush of wild infatuation. Being dumped when you’re still in limerance can leave you blindsided.

How things start to go wrong

As the excitement and newness fades, you start to see each other’s flaws. You realize your partner can be irritating, difficult or just plain wrong. You start to annoy each other more often. This is when fights can start.

This is the stage at which most relationships fail. Hence the 3 year itch; the 5 year and the 7 year…

Too often when the ‘in love’ feeling fades, there’s nothing else left to build on.

To get past this stage into the calmer waters where relationships stabilize into a strong foundation that will last, you need special skills and understanding. Most people don’t have these skills naturally, and as they never learn them, their relationships remain stuck in a battleground where both partners are fighting a defensive battle for control.

How things can REMAIN wrong – forever

Many relationships stumble on, sometimes for years, in a kind of low-level war zone, in which neither partner is happy, yet neither one is unhappy – or brave – enough to leave.

You don’t want to be in this kind of relationship.

Or you might just begin to realize that you are fundamentally incompatible. These are the relationships that shouldn’t be saved, because you are just not right for each other.

Sometimes when the limerance fades, people start to believe that their partner isn’t ‘the one’ after all. “I love you, but I’m not in love with you any more” is a common complaint for this person. When that happens, the person no longer in love will move on to the next limerance experience, and the next, and the next…

They become addicted to the feeling of being ‘in love’.

You don’t want to be this person.

Think about all this carefully, as it will help you to see your old relationship more clearly.

Moving Forward – WITHOUT Your Ex

You’ve now spent some time improving your life and you are beginning to feel good about yourself. But the thought of you ex still lingers. Could you get your ex boyfriend back? Should you?

What are your reasons for wanting him back?

These have to be good. Very good. And if they’re not good enough then you have your answer. Yours was not a relationship that should be resurrected.

If your reasons spring from feelings of neediness and inadequacy, then they are not good enough to justify reconciling.

You’re lonely
You’d forgotten how much you hate being single
You probably won’t find anyone better
You’ve tried dating again and you hated it
You just know everything will be different next time

No relationship based on these feelings will thrive for long. If you still feel like this, then you need to continue to work on building a satisfying life of your own before you enter into ANY new relationship.

You need to have POSITIVE reasons for getting back together if you are going to be happy. Here are some good positive reasons.

You were happy for most of the time you were together
You have lots in common
You shared the same values
You wanted the same things from life
The problems that caused the breakup can be overcome

Most of the time, if you’re honest, you’ll find that getting back together isn’t a good idea. And by now you should be in a frame of mind where you can accept this, however reluctantly. You must think hard about this. Are you really, truly, absolutely sure, despite all you’ve been through, that you still want to get your ex boyfriend back?

But remember that the most important transformation you can make is internal. If you spend time learning how to improve your relationship skills, you will be better equipped to build a successful relationship with your next boyfriend, whoever he may be. If you feel that you could use some help with this then please go and listen to this video. It will help you in the next stage of your quest to get your ex back.