FIND OUT MORE ABOUT...
You want to know how to get your ex boyfriend back. Your heart is breaking and you just want the pain to stop. But how do you it? Look on the internet and you’ll find people promising to show you a few tricks that will soon make him come crawling back to you. But can they? What really works, and why?
Believe me, I understand how you feel. You mind is a whirlpool of longing, indecision and doubt. Can I get him back? Does he still love me? What do I have to do to make it happen?
No other guy in the world measures up to him. Every other guy seems shallow and boring, and you can’t imagine sharing what you once had together with anyone else.
You have to get your ex boyfriend back. You just have to.
And the chances are that he won’t come back on his own, so you need to do something to make it happen.
Don’t Be Passive – Take Action
This is the time for radical action. You won’t get him back if you sit at home moping, eating too much junk food and crying over old romantic films. You’ve got to convince him that the breakup was a big mistake, and that he’d be the biggest jerk in the world if he didn’t move mountains to get you back.
Don’t believe that’s possible?
Well, it is. But it’s going to take significant input from you. And it’s going to take time.
I know, that’s not what you want to hear. But it’s true. Your breakup didn’t happen overnight, although it might seem that way right now. It happened over weeks and even months of things not being as they were, of disillusionment and disenchantment leading eventually to you breaking up.
You can’t reverse that process in an instant.
Your boyfriend will only want you back if he remembers the good times, the reasons you were together, and why he fell in love. Changing negative memories to positive ones means that YOU need to change your attitude towards HIM, and to up your game.
How to Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back – The First Step
So what’s the first step? Well, you’ll never get your ex boyfriend back until you accept that your old relationship has FAILED. And that means that you’re NOT going to try to revive it.
No, you are going to create a NEW and BETTER relationship with him. And relationship building takes time. Remember, right now BOTH of you are handicapped by the memories of the old one, the one that failed. Try to give some thought as to WHY.
What went wrong?
What was it you fought over?
What were the things that made your boyfriend unhappy?
What made you unhappy?
Getting back together too quickly can actually be a bad thing. Both of you need time to get over the breakup and gain some knowledge of why your relationship went wrong. Changing the dynamics of your relationship can be difficult, and also painful. You may end up getting hurt all over again.
As you’re the one who wants to get your ex boyfriend back, you’re the one who will have to fight for it. You may not be successful. But if you don’t try, nobody else is going to.
Be Realistic About Your Situation
You can’t change your boyfriend. You certainly can’t force him to change. But you can change yourself, and if you change yourself, you will change the dynamics of your relationship.
You will find a lot of useful advice on this page, and I strongly recommend that you read it to the end. But if you’re impatient and want to go straight to the best guidance there is, then you need The Ex Boyfriend Guide. This is the best guide there is for making the complex process of getting your boyfriend back simpler and more straightforward. To find out more, check out the link below.
You must take control of your life. It’s no good imagining your boyfriend coming to his senses and throwing himself at your feet, begging you to come back. There are certainly people around who will promise you exactly this. But think for a moment.
Most likely your boyfriend dumped you. Even if you dumped him, he will be feeling really, really fed up, riled and resentful towards you right now, and not particularly susceptible to your charms. It’s not like when you first met, and he pursued you. The dynamic has changed completely.
You may hope that he will contact you at some point, but what if he doesn’t?
You can’t wait forever. If he doesn’t contact you, you will have to contact him.
How will you do it?
How will you know when is the right time, and what is the best way?
Warning – DON’T Do This!
Right now your emotions are driving you. Emotions are very powerful, but they are a lousy guide is situations like this. If you let your emotions take control, it is inevitable you will make a ton of mistakes.
Have you been calling or texting him, trying to get him to listen to you and talk things over? Have you been trying to guilt him into taking you back? Have you been applying some other kind of pressure to try to get him to “see reason”?
These mistakes will hurt your chances of get your boyfriend back – in fact they will drive him further away. But in the turmoil of your chaotic emotions they will seem to be to be the right things, in fact the only things, to do.
Here is a whistle-stop tour of the most common mistakes that women just like you make after a breakup, when they let their basic instincts take over. Pay close attention to the reasons why they will not work.
Fighting and rowing
This creates tension and resentment between you which will kill all attraction stone dead. So even if you win the argument, you will still lose the war because you are…
Missing the whole point of chemistry
You boyfriend must feel attracted to you in order to want to get back into the relationship. It is attraction that will make him feel that whatever is wrong between you can be put right. This is why you must avoid…
Trying to make him feel sorry for you
Sympathy does not equal attraction. In fact it will kill it by making you boyfriend lose value and respect for you. Just as it will if you try…
Making him feel guilty about leaving you
Do not threaten or accuse him to try to make him feel he has to remain committed to you. He will only resent it and may well avoid you completely.
Using logic as an argument
He won’t stay with you because it is the “sensible” or “right” thing to do. He needs to FEEL that it is right FOR HIM. Which is why there is also no point in….
Asking his friends to convince him to stay
No matter how wonderful they think you are, it is HIS feelings that matter.
Begging and pleading
The more you push, the more he will pull away. And even if it makes him feel sorry for you, you will lose his respect – and it won’t bring him back. Men don’t fall in love out of pity.
Saying you’ve changed and that things will be different
This is something you need to demonstrate by your actions over time. Just saying it will not convince him; and it will make you sound desperate.
Spying on him and stalking him (especially on Facebook)
When he knows how much power he has over you he will lose all interest because there is no challenge left.
Denying the reality
Your relationship is not going to heal itself. You need to step up now and start fixing it, or it will be over for good.
Misreading the cues
You need to recognize those times when your ex is most receptive to possibility of getting back together. These are the crucial moments when you must know the right moves to make.
Finding out what you SHOULD do
OK, so you’ve already made some of these mistakes. That doesn’t mean the game is over. The most important thing is to STOP making any more mistakes and to UNDERSTAND WHAT TO DO NEXT. (And if you still can’t stop yourself wanting to make some (or all!) of these mistakes, visit this page to understand why you will be sabotaging your chances of ever getting your boyfriend back.)
Why Having a Plan Is So Important
You need a proper plan for where you should go from here.
Having a plan will give you focus and stop you from giving in to your crazy emotions.
If you don’t know the right things to do, you will go on making the mistakes that are driving your boyfriend further away. Understanding how to move forward from here will help you get your life back under your control. Then you can turn what is now a terrible time for you into the time when you finally took charge of your future, and turned your life around.
Don’t let him think that his leaving has broken your heart and destroyed your life. Seeing you as needy and desperate will only drive him further away. No man ever wanted a girl because he felt sorry for her – men just aren’t interested in winning the booby prize!
I know this sounds harsh, but it’s a basic fact of male psychology, and if you really mean to get your ex boyfriend back then you will never forget it.
How to Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back – What You SHOULD Do
To get your ex boyfriend back you need to be operating from a position of strength. You need to look as if you are in control of your life, and are handling the breakup well. What you want to do is to persuade him that he has made a mistake.
In fact, you want to make him wish he’d never left you.
It’s true – the secret of how to get your ex boyfriend back IS to make him believe that breaking up with you was a mistake.
And it’s something that, despite everything, you really CAN do! However hopeless and despairing you’re feeling right now, just hold these 3 thoughts in your mind.
Three thoughts to give you hope
- You know your boyfriend is attracted to you – that’s why you were his girlfriend! And that attraction can be re-ignited.
- Once you understand what REALLY went wrong, you will have a real chance of putting it right.
- Lots of people get back together after a breakup – it’s actually VERY COMMON, and it happens every day. So why can’t it happen for you?
OK, your breakup may have been protracted or bitter; and you may have done things since that were foolish, rash and downright stupid. But you CAN come back from that. It’s possible. However…
It’s not going to be easy.
And it’s not going to be quick.
You will need to be patient. And you need to keep your mind fixed on your ultimate goal: to get your ex boyfriend back.
There’s loads of really useful, pertinent advice on this page, but getting your ex back is a complex business. It can’t be covered in a single post or article. You’ll find the ultimate all-purpose plan in The Ex Boyfriend Guide. To find out more, click the link below.
However this page is an unrivaled source of useful information, and I truly recommend you continue reading to the end. It will help you in whatever circumstances you find yourself; whether you are a teenager in high school, in your twenties and coping with the failure of your first serious relationship, married for several years, or anything else in between. This advice is universal.
How Does Your Ex Feel About YOU Now?
This is probably an all-consuming thought. Does he still love you? Does he still think about you?
Not many people can shut their feelings off like a tap, so it’s more than likely that your ex still has feelings for you. Unfortunately the signs that he does can often make a woman believe (wrongly) that she has lost him for good.
First, is he angry with you?
If your ex is refusing to talk to you and telling you he doesn’t want to see you again, this is actually a good sign. It’s good because it means he still has strong feelings for you. Remember, the antithesis of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference.
But right now, your relationship is making him feel imprisoned. And the more pressure you put on him, the more attractive the distant hills of freedom look to him, and the more determined he becomes to break free of his jail cell and escape. Every time you call or email him, he hears the sound of the jail door slamming behind him, and he feels trapped. So the most important thing for you to do right now is to stop chasing him.
Second, is he putting on a big show of being happy?
Is he making a big deal of enjoying himself without you? (Of course, you know this because you’ve been glued to his Facebook page. Grrr! Stop looking!)
How men cope with breakups
Is he putting on a big show of being fine about the break up, of moving on, and having fun now that he’s a free and single guy? Is he out all the time, drinking and socializing as though his life depended on it? Has his life turned into one long party, as if he’s forgotten you ever existed?
Is he even dating someone else?
Or maybe he’s throwing himself into his career or his hobbies, taking on a new project at work or devising a new and rigorous training program. He’s just ‘so busy’ with everything in his life right now.
These are all ways in which guys cope with break ups. He’s trying to convince himself that it’s great to be free again, that now he can do what he likes and have a great time partying every night. And most of all he wants to blot out the pain he’s feeling and convince himself that his life is moving on, that things are great and that he’s going to get through this.
The truth is that the majority of guys think that ALL breakups are awful – no matter WHO did the dumping!
Men find it difficult to understand and handle their emotions, and their usual way of coping is to try to block them out. That’s why a lot of guys go a bit wild after a breakup. It’s just their way of getting through a bad time.
(To find out the whole truth about how men handle breakups, including why they often go a bit crazy, please visit this page.)
So What IS the Plan?
The rest of this page will take an in-depth look at where you go from here – the Plan to get your ex boyfriend back. That means starting with the No Contact Rule.
If you have read any advice about breakups, you will have heard of the No Contact Rule. It’s almost become the religion of how to get your ex boyfriend back.
The problem is not with No Contact itself, which has some essential benefits for you right now. The problem lies in calling it a Rule, and enforcing it with almost religious zeal. This can have a terrible, very negative effect on your chances of getting your ex boyfriend back.
It’s important to understand when using No Contact can help you, and the times when you should ignore it.
How to Use No Contact to Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back
There are 2 reasons why people recommend following the No Contact Rule.
The main benefit of No Contact is to give you and your boyfriend an interval in which to get over the worst trauma of the breakup, a time to heal.
Even if he dumped you, your ex is bound to have suffered some doubt and pain, and the biggest problem for you is that his feelings towards you right now are probably negative. Some time apart will give him a chance to calm down and see your relationship in a more realistic perspective. It also gives you a chance to influence that perspective and make it more favorable to you.
Even more important is what some time apart will do for you.
Right now you have a broken heart; your emotions are in turmoil – in fact, you’re in a mess. You can use this time to pull yourself out of this mess and get yourself into a much better place.
It’s absolutely vital that you make this effort. It won’t be easy, but there is no point to No Contact if you don’t use the time to work on yourself, and turn your life around.
Will he miss you?
The second reason I gave for No Contact was Yearning. What does that mean?
The theory is that not contacting your boyfriend for a period of time (usually 30 days) will make him miss you enough to contact you. While this may be true, it is not necessarily a miraculous cure for your problems.
It may take longer than 30 days for him to start missing you. In fact, it’s impossible to put a timeline on something like this. And you can’t wait indefinitely for something that may never happen, to happen.
Even if he does miss you (and he probably will), it doesn’t automatically follow that he will want to get back together with you. He may accept the pain as a necessary but temporary cross to bear while he gets over you. It will take more than just him missing you to make him feel that he HAS to be with you again.
Or perhaps he does want to see you.
But supposing neither of you is emotionally ready to see the other again. Supposing the meeting is a disaster? In his mind it will only confirm that the breakup was the right thing for both of you.
This is where the idea of a No Contact Rule starts to fall down.
How to get the most out of No Contact
The Rule is that not only do you not contact your boyfriend for 30 days; it also insists that you ignore any attempts he makes to contact you.
This is a really bad idea.
- It makes you look manipulative
- It makes you look childish and immature
- It makes you look as if you are serious about never wanting to see him again
- It makes you look as if you have moved on
It also takes no account of your individual circumstances.
- Maybe you still live with your ex.
- Maybe you work with him.
- Maybe you have children with him.
Whatever your circumstances, you should never make a big thing of ignoring him.
If you have to see him, then keep your exchanges polite and friendly, without crossing over into any hint of intimacy.
If he contacts you spontaneously, sound happy to hear from him. Tell him you’re doing fine, but you’re too busy to meet up right now. Of course it would be good to see him again sometime. Keep the conversation brief, and make sure you end it yourself.
Don’t make him think that you will never willingly speak to him again. That can only have a very negative effect.
(By now you’ll realize that No Contact is a complex subject, and it’s important to understand fully what it can and can’t do for you. You can find out everything there is to know about No Contact by visiting this page.)
How You Should Be Using the No Contact Period
No Contact is something you should do entirely for your own benefit.
It is the time you devote to yourself so that when you do see your ex again, you can knock him sideways with all the positive changes you have made since you broke up.
This won’t be easy.
In fact, this is going to be a difficult time. To get your ex boyfriend back will take courage and dedication on your part. It’s a time for endurance rather than enjoyment.
When will I be happy again?
Right now you probably think the answer to that is “Never”. This is the problem you must use the No Contact time to solve.
As long as you are dependent on someone else for your happiness, you will never be a happy person. You have given the power to make you happy to someone else, leaving you with the constant fear of losing your happiness if – when – he decides to leave you.
Meanwhile, you can’t ever consider leaving him, because if you do you will leave your happiness behind you, with the person who owns it.
No Contact is your chance to prove to yourself – and your ex – and the whole world – that you don’t need him to be happy. Maybe you still want him, but you don’t need him.
Immediately you will have given yourself a massive power surge. The person who can be happy and enjoy life without depending on anyone else can never have their happiness taken away.
Think of this as YOUR time
The No Contact period is a time you devote completely to you. YOU are the focus of everything you do now. Over the next few weeks you are going to become the best you have ever been.
The first thing you must do is get out of the house. No-one ever became a better, more interesting and more desirable person by sitting at home moping, eating too much and feeling sorry for herself.
Remember you want to be the best you can be. This is how you can do it.
Keep moving – exercise!
The first thing you must do is exercise.
Use your gym membership if you have one. Walk, run, play tennis or squash, do some classes or join a sports club. Whatever it is, make sure you do something regularly (3 or more times a week) that raises your heart rate, makes you sweat a bit and releases endorphins. (These are the feel-good hormones that are stimulated by exercise, which raise your mood and make you feel good when you move.) It’s good to include some weight training in your program too, as this will build muscle tone.
But the most important thing is to get moving. Regular exercise will give you a better-toned body, clearer skin and an all-round feeling of well-being.
Make sure you eat well
Eat clean, healthy food and drink water. This will also give you brighter skin and better health. Improving your diet can have a positive, visible effect on your appearance in just a few weeks.
Learn how to be happy
Do more of what you enjoy most. Give more time to your hobbies, and take up a new interest. What adventure or project have you always meant to do when you had the opportunity? Well, now’s the time!
You want to feel good about yourself and your life.
Getting yourself moving and participating in things you enjoy will rebuild your confidence and show you that you can have a satisfying and fulfilling life without your boyfriend. No-one can have a healthy relationship until they can first be happy with themselves.
You may have to work on yourself first
Think about how you feel about your relationships, not just with your ex boyfriend, but with everybody in your life.
Do you feel in control of your life?
Do you feel other people respect you, or are you inclined to let them take advantage of you?
Do you like yourself?
Do you think you would choose yourself as a friend?
Your relationship should never be a barricade against feeling incomplete and/or worthless. It should be a blessing that enhances your life, but does not define it. A good relationship is made by two happy people creating something together that is more than the sum of their two individual parts.
For now you must accept the breakup and start moving on towards a more rewarding life, and a more successful relationship in the future. This may be with your ex, or it may be with someone new you meet now.
Sometimes a woman finds that doing No Contact makes her realize she doesn’t want her ex back after all. It happens.
Whether or not you still want to get your ex boyfriend back, you need to understand the reasons for the breakup. Once you are calmer, you should be able to see more clearly what went wrong, and why.
Why Did You Break Up?
Let’s start with the most basic question of all: who dumped whom?
He Broke Up With You
This is the most likely scenario in a situation where a girl is trying to get her boyfriend back. It’s also heartbreaking, demoralizing and really knocks your confidence.
Did your boyfriend tell you why he ended it? If he did then you have something to go on, but men don’t always tell the truth at such times. Sometimes they fall back on the excuse they think will be the least hurtful and upsetting.
Unless there’s some obvious reason like cheating, men usually leave because they are not getting what they need from the relationship. Despite what you are probably thinking, this isn’t sex but admiration.
When you first start dating, everything is great. You are so in love that you can’t see any flaws in each other. Being ecstatically happy is constant and effortless. You are made for each other, and nothing can possibly go wrong.
This is known as limerance, and is called the honeymoon period. The honeymoon period can last for anything from a few days to a few weeks or months; even a year or two. But eventually it ends. Sometimes it ends more quickly for one partner, leaving the other still in limerance. Being dumped in these circumstances can leave you blindsided.
How things start to go wrong
As the excitement and newness fades, you start to see each other’s flaws. You realize your partner can be irritating, difficult or wrong. You start to annoy each other more often. This is when fights can start.
This is the stage where most relationships fail. To get past this stage into the calmer waters where relationships stabilize into a strong foundation that will last, you need special skills and understanding. Most people don’t have these skills naturally, and as they never learn them either, their relationships remain stuck in a battleground where both partners are fighting a defensive battle for control.
How things can remain wrong – forever
Many relationships stumble on, sometimes for years, in a kind of low-level war zone, in which neither partner is happy, yet neither one is unhappy or brave enough to leave.
You don’t want to be in this kind of relationship.
Or you might just begin to realize that you are fundamentally incompatible. These are the relationships that shouldn’t be saved, because you are just not right for each other. You need to find out which kind of relationship YOU had.
Sometimes when the limerance fades, people start to believe that their partner isn’t “the one” after all. “I love you, but I’m not in love with you any more” is a common complaint for this person. When that happens, the person no longer in love will move on to the next limerance experience, and the next, and the next…
They become addicted to the feeling of being “in love”.
You don’t want to be this person.
(For more about what to do if HE broke up with YOU please visit this page.)
You Broke Up With Him
You may think that because you did the dumping it will be easy to get back with your ex.
This is not true. In fact, you may have to put in more effort than the woman who was dumped to get your ex boyfriend back.
But why did you break up with him? And are you sure now that getting him back is the right thing to do – for both of you?
You need to think carefully about your reasons for changing you mind. Finding that you miss him and that the single life can be a bit lonely is not a good enough basis for a lasting relationship.
(For more about what to do if YOU broke up with HIM please visit this page.)
What If One Of You Cheated?
Cheating is one of the most difficult things to forgive, and is very destructive.
If you cheated you should think deeply about why you were unfaithful and whether your boyfriend is the right man for you.
If your boyfriend cheated, you must ask yourself why you believe the relationship is worth saving and whether you can forgive him.
Most people cheat because they want to feel appreciated, although some just see an opportunity and take it because they think they won’t be found out. A one night stand that remains a secret is unlikely to affect the main relationship, but a clandestine relationship that goes on for any length of time is likely to undermine it. Few people can give the same level of passion and commitment to two different people at the same time.
(If your relationship was subject to any form of physical or emotional abuse, I strongly advise that you DO NOT try to resurrect it.)
So Should You Get Back With Your Ex?
You have now spent some time improving your life and you are beginning to feel good about yourself. You should be sufficiently calm and detached to think clearly about whether, for you, to get your ex boyfriend back is the right thing to do.
So what are your reasons for wanting him back?
If your reasons spring from feelings of neediness and inadequacy then they are not good enough to justify reconciling.
- You’re lonely
- You’d forgotten how much you hate being single
- You probably won’t find anyone better
- You tried dating again and you hated it
- You just know everything will be different next time
No relationship based on these feelings will thrive for long. If you still feel like this, then you need to continue on working on building a satisfying life of your own before you enter into ANY new relationship.
You need to have POSITIVE reasons for getting back together if you are going to be happy. Here are some good positive reasons.
- You were happy for most of the time you were together
- You have lots in common
- You shared the same values
- You wanted the same things from life
- The problems that caused the breakup can be overcome
If you are going to make a success of your new relationship, you have to adopt a new mindset.
There’s no point in trying to resurrect the old relationship.
You need to create one that is NEW and BETTER.
If you are truly ready for that, then you need to think about how you are going to get your ex to speak to you again.
How to Contact Your Ex
This is something that must be a very personal choice. Everybody has their favorite methods of communication, but right now you need to think about your ex’s preferences. What is going to be the best way to contact HIM?
You also need to think about how YOU will cope with these methods. If your breakup was bitter, the thought of calling might be intimidating. You might find texting easier. Or if your ex is among the minority of men who respond powerfully to words, then a letter might be best.
The Ex Boyfriend Guide gives you masses of help here, so I really recommend that you check it out as this is such a crucial issue when you are trying to get your ex boyfriend back.
Choosing the Right Method of Contact
So how do you decide? Each method has their good and bad points.
This has immediacy and excitement, but it is also hazardous. The potential for the conversation to veer off into anger or recriminations is high. You have to be able to think on your feet, but you’ll also get a real feeling for your boyfriend’s current mood from actually talking to him “live”. That’s if he even picks up, of course.
This has immediacy but with a much lower risk of disaster. You can take as long as you like before you press “send”, and it’s much easier to remain in control. It is also intimate without being threateningly close. But not everybody likes to text…
If this was a way you often communicated, then it might be better for you than texting. The main problem is that using email can be a dangerous temptation to say too much.
This can make things very special and personal, but is probably not a good idea if your relationship was not a very long one. Writing a letter works best when you already know someone very well.
How to choose
Give some careful thought to this, and try to go with your gut instinct. The important thing is to re-open communication between you in a way that is light and unthreatening. You want to make you boyfriend comfortable talking to you again.
You are not trying to get your ex boyfriend back, not at this stage.
If he doesn’t respond, you will have to wait a while before contacting him again. Whatever you do, don’t bombard him with missives.
For more help with contacting your ex for the first time after a breakup, visit this page.
There’s No Quick Way or Shortcut to Success
You are probably hoping that there is a template (or 10) that you can follow at this point, which will lead you inexorably back into your boyfriend’s arms.
The truth is that relationships are organic things and do not follow scripts or pre-imagined courses. Your relationship is unique, and no-one can give you a word-by-word, pre-arranged plan to make it work.
Remember how we talked earlier about limerance, and how many relationships don’t survive after it fades? How many women don’t have the relationship skills to create a permanent, happy relationship with a real, flawed but still lovable man?
Relying on templates will eventually leave you stuck. The templates will run out, and when that happens you won’t know what to do next.
But if you become a woman who truly understands a man, and has the skills to connect with him on a deep emotional level, then you will always be able to cope when problems arise.
When your boyfriend feels that you truly “get” him, he will be unable to resist the impulse to want to get you back.
What should you do next?
Learning these kind of relationship skills is too big a subject to be covered in a single article. To get the full story of creating better relationships and how to rebuild a deep connection with your ex, you need The Ex Boyfriend Guide.
The Ex Boyfriend Guide will guide you step-by-step from where you are now (alone and bereft) to where you want to be (to get your ex boyfriend back). To find out more about how it can transform not just your breakup but your whole life, click on the link below.
Believe in yourself. You really can do this.
I wish you all the luck in the world!