Friends with benefits are not lovers: there is no emotional connection. That is the basis of a FWB relationship, and it’s vital that you understand this from the start. If you cannot separate love from sex then a FWB arrangement is not for you.
But there are women who can, and who enjoy sex without commitment. They feel relaxed, sexually liberated and free to enjoy themselves without inhibition. For them it can be a wonderful journey of self-discovery. But it’s essential to respect the boundaries of a FWB relationship to minimize the chances of it going wrong. The last thing you want is for someone to end up being badly hurt.
Don’t enter a friends with benefits arrangement if what you really want is commitment. FWB is all about sex, and it’s dishonest to try to use it to create a committed relationship. It’s almost certainly futile too, and you will end up feeling used, resentful and hurt. If you want a boyfriend, a real, committed relationship, then you shouldn’t be starting from here.
So how does FWB work? By managing expectations and sticking to the rules. FWB is all about fun, not emotional drama. That means respecting the boundaries that will keep things civilized. Remember that you are dabbling in what can easily become very deep waters indeed.
1. You must be happy and content with your life
The only thing you should be looking for in a FWB relationship is sex. FWB will not fill an emotional void, give your life meaning or purpose or lead to a fulfilling relationship. It is something ephemeral to be enjoyed while it lasts, and then gracefully relinquished.
To do this you must be happy within yourself. If your life is not already fulfilling then you need to work on making it so. This is true for the success of any relationship, but the temptation for someone who is lonely or unhappy to look for affirmation from other people can be overwhelming. Don’t fall for the trope that a relationship will ‘complete’ you, it won’t. And don’t look to another person to give you the happiness you haven’t found for yourself because they can’t, and it will only make you co-dependent.
You need to know that you are OK; happy, grounded and stable. Don’t look for companionship and emotional support from your FWB; rely on you friends and family for that. It’s better to keep your meetings focused entirely on sex, and not to see each other outside the bedroom. You want to avoid any temptation to see yourself as a couple.
2. Know that it will end eventually and choose your FWB with that in mind
That means no friends. That might sound counterintuitive but it’s best to hook up with someone outside your social circle. So discount your guy friends (unless you want to destroy your friendship) and also work colleagues and ex-boyfriends. FWB does NOT mean sleeping with a guy who is your friend. Trying to have uncomplicated sex with someone you see regularly is much too high risk. This should be a clean, simple arrangement.
Be specific about the kind of relationship you want. Choose someone hot (the whole point is that the sex should be fabulous) but in the knowledge that the arrangement is temporary. A thing of beauty is a joy for a fortnight.
3. Keep your emotions closed and your options open
FWB is not an exclusive arrangement. You are sex partners, nothing more. That means continuing to see other people and expecting him to do the same. Most people want a full relationship at some point, so you don’t want to exclude yourself from the chance of meeting someone special.
It’s important that you don’t start seeing your FWB arrangement as something more than it really is, which is more likely to happen if he is the only person in your life. If you do meet The One when you are still seeing your FWB you need to be able to tell the difference, which will be much easier if you have kept your emotions out if it.
4. Remember it is all about sex – and ONLY sex
Friends with benefits is about great sex. You can explore your sexual fantasies and desires without worrying that it could screw up a relationship. There are no expectations except to have a great time. So forget your inhibitions, go all in and do what feels sexy and exciting to you. Find out what really turns you on and enjoy it.
5. Never treat him as a friend, let alone a boyfriend
Avoid a messy disaster by maintaining an emotional distance from the relationship. Your FWB is not your friend, and certainly not your boyfriend. If you want someone to talk to, call a friend. Never confide in him or treat him as anything except a sexual partner. Flirt with him, but don’t coo over him. He’s a hunk, not a mate, a chum or a buddy. So don’t hold hands, kiss and cuddle after sex or give each other pet names. It’s not that kind of relationship.
If you want a boyfriend, then connect with somebody with that intention. Don’t try to turn your FWB into something it isn’t.
6. No drama – EVER
As long as you follow these rules you should find it possible to steer clear of trouble. Friends with benefits is fun, not work. You don’t argue or dump your expectations on each other. A friendship with benefits is problem free; there are no fights, no fuss, no drama. If you start feeling negative or angry or resentful, emotions are taking over and it’s time to end the arrangement. The same goes if he starts to show dissatisfaction or frustration or make unreasonable demands.
7. HE must be happy and emotionally stable too
It follows then that HE must be emotionally stable too. FWB won’t work if he is jealous or possessive, or volatile in any other way. He needs to have his life in order and be happy with the boundaries you set. If he is unhappy or depressed or dealing with difficult problems then he won’t be in a good place to be the kind of laid-back, fun lover you want. Don’t underestimate the trouble a difficult guy could cause; you don’t want to find yourself dealing with a psycho.
8. Keep your FWB arrangement safe
Expect him to see other people and assume he has other sexual partners. And bearing this in mind it’s important to take all the necessary precautions to protect yourself and keep yourself safe. The two most obvious risks are pregnancy and STIs, so make sure you agree how these pitfalls are to be avoided. Make it clear that you expect him to take joint responsibility here; if he refuses then you are better off without him.
Talk about your expectations and what you do and don’t find acceptable. It’s very important that you understand and respect each other’s boundaries. Don’t allow yourself to be persuaded into doing something that you find uncomfortable or unpleasant. Remember that the first rule of FWB is that you can walk away at any time.
Be Friends With Benefits Because It Benefits YOU
Being friends with benefits is not for everyone. It is a transactional relationship in which you use each other for sex. Of course you should treat each other with courtesy and respect, but the arrangement’s essentially utilitarian nature will be a turn-off for many people.
Not everyone can detach their emotions from sex. If you cannot separate sex from love, then friends with benefits is not for you. If you are susceptible to jealousy and possessiveness, then you should approach it with extreme caution. It is often said that women cannot have sex with involving their emotions (usually citing the hormone oxytocin), to which I would reply that human nature is infinitely variable and there certainly are women who can.
What you must manage above all is your expectations. If you begin an FWB relationship in the hope that it will develop into something more, you are setting yourself up to be severely disappointed and hurt. The basic premise of FWB is that there are no obligations, and that one day you will both walk away.
If you catch yourself daydreaming about him, you should end it.
Friends with benefits is not about romance. Maybe those FWBs did end up together in that Hollywood movie, but we’re talking about real life here. And if romance is what you really want, then be very aware that FWB is a dead-end street.