No contact. What does it mean?
Imagine refusing to talk to someone close to you for say, 3 months. That’s over 90 days. And then, suddenly, out of the blue, texting them. Wouldn’t that look a bit weird? No matter how you tried to swing it?
Well, you need to clear about what the No Contact Rule is really about. It’s not about punishing your ex. And it’s not primarily about making your ex miss you, although that is an important secondary effect. No, the main reason you need to practice the No Contact Rule is for what it can do for YOU.
It’s to give YOU time to heal.
When you’ve been with someone for any length of time it’s a severe emotional shock when, suddenly, they’re no longer there. It’s like falling into a void. It’s dark and empty. So why would you want to increase these feelings by doing no contact?
It’s because you need to move on. Even though right now you want your ex back, you have to accept that it’s not going to happen overnight. It might not happen at all. So you need to process the breakup and start learning to let go. You need to reclaim control of your emotions and your life. You need to get back onto an even keel, rebuild your life and become a better version of yourself.
Most of all you need to teach yourself not to look back.
Going cold turkey like this is hard. But there are good reasons why the No Contact Rule is a vital strategy in what is a complex and delicate process.
1. You’re Depriving Him of Emotional Support
You aren’t the only one suffering from withdrawal symptoms. Even though he dumped you, there’s still a void in his life. He will still feel a sense of loss.
But this can take time to manifest itself. At first he will probably feel confident about his decision and tell himself how great it is to be free again.
But he’s used to you being there. If he needed someone to talk to, he had you. If he needed advice or help, he had you.
This is IMPORTANT.
If you remain in contact, he’ll still have you – as much of you as he wants. He’ll be able to withdraw gradually, painlessly, from his emotional dependence on you, until he hardly notices you’ve gone.
You need to deprive him of this.
2. YOU Will Gain Clarity
It’s a curious fact than when a person is dumped they are prone to idealize their ex. It’s sounds mad, it is mad, but it’s a quirk of human nature that what you no longer have becomes overpoweringly attractive and desirable.
You’re convinced you will never find his like again. He was perfect. He was The One.
He wasn’t.
And you need to teach yourself to see him without rose colored spectacles.
Getting him back should be a conscious, considered decision. And you can’t decide until you understand what went wrong between you and whether getting back together is the right thing for you.
3. You Are Regaining Your Power in the Relationship
You are making it clear to your ex that he doesn’t have a two-way option. If he finds that the grass on the other side isn’t as green as he expected, tough. He probably thought that if he wanted, if he changed his mind, he could return to your ever open arms at his convenience.
He can’t.
And YOU need to show him that by not being at his beck and call in the forlorn hope that one day he’ll sweep you off feet and try again.
Just What Is The Point Of The No Contact Rule?
Right now you desperately want your ex back. But he doesn’t want to be with you. This gives him enormous power over you.
When someone has this kind of power over you, it’s like an addiction. In fact the pain from a breakup is associated with the same part of your brain as drug or alcohol addiction. His approval is necessary for you in order to validate your self-worth. You become so desperate to get him back that you will do literally ANYTHING to succeed.
This kind of neediness and dependence makes you very unattractive. It also makes you powerless to control your actions, and even your life. It’s vital that you regain control over yourself. And like all addictions, that means weaning yourself off the cause of your addiction.
As long as you feel like this, you cannot see your relationship in perspective. When relationships fail, there is always a reason for it, and that reason may be one that makes it best not to try to resurrect it. You have to become detached enough to see whether or not getting your ex back is the right thing for you to do.
Is Your Ex The Right Man For You?
How can you tell? Well, here are some useful pointers.
Did being with your ex make you feel good about yourself? Were you happy and optimistic when you were together? Or did you feel insecure and inadequate, and fearful of losing him?
Do you feel validated simply by being in a relationship, and by having someone you can call your boyfriend? Do you hate being alone, so much that it makes you feel worthless and your life without value or meaning?
Did you have to give up or compromise other things in your life to be with your ex? Things that should be important to you, such as work, friends, hobbies or family?
Do you feel that being with your ex is your only guarantee of happiness? That without him you can never be happy again?
If you can answer yes to any of these questions, no matter how reluctantly, then you are suffering from some degree of addiction. You need to withdraw, to get some perspective and learn to live without him before you can see whether getting him back is the right thing for you.
Even if you weren’t needy before the breakup, the rejection can be devastating enough to tip your over into being so afterwards. Getting him back is necessary to neutralize its negative effect, and to stop you feeling so empty and worthless.
Spending Time Alone – Remember You Are Doing It For YOURSELF
So even though you want him back, you must learn not just to live without him, but to be happy doing so – BEFORE you can build a happy relationship, with him or with anyone else. As long as you are feeling needy and desperate, you will be placing your happiness in someone else’s hands; and that can never end well for you.
In case you still have doubts, here are 6 reasons why you need to spend some time apart from your ex right now.
1. Constant Reminders
You can’t move on as long as you go on seeing your ex. It will be a constant reminder of what you have lost, and how much you miss him. You must look away and find other things with which to fill your life.
2. Allowing Your Feelings to Subside
Your feelings will constantly be stirred and rekindled by the sight and sound of him, when you should be making every attempt to help them subside and fade.
3. Healing Your Inner Wounds
You won’t be able to heal inside while the sight of your ex keeps reopening the wounds. Nor will the memories fade while you are doing everything to keep them alive.
4. Moving On
It’ll be harder to fall in love with – or even feel attracted to – someone else.
5. Reconciling For the Wrong Reasons
You risk getting back together for all the wrong reasons. When people who have broken up nevertheless continue to see each other, they often end up getting back together because
They are both lonely and need the old relationship to feel complete (and they miss each other’s company)
They are constantly stirring up each other’s memories and emotions
They don’t give themselves a chance to forget and move on
They come to believe that they won’t find anyone else, and decide to settle for the what they’ve got – the bird in the hand syndrome
But the old problems are still there, so they end up unhappy, dissatisfied, unfulfilled and stuck in an on/off relationship which leaves them feeling worse than before.
6. Remaining a Wounded Bear
You remain vulnerable and unable to behave naturally around him, but you can’t imagine that hole in your heart being filled with love by somebody else.
As long as you stay connected to your ex in the old way, you will never get the clarity and perspective to see if it’s a relationship you SHOULD try to save. And you will never be able to build a new and better relationship, because you haven’t moved on from the old one.
His Happiness is Not Your Concern
Now that your relationship is over, it’s important not to let him think that you are still a shoulder to lean on. You are no longer his girlfriend, so he can’t expect you to go on giving him those benefits.
Don’t make the mistake of thinking that being his friend will be a ‘back door’ back into the relationship.
Acting as his emotional crutch won’t make him realize how much he loves you. Instead it will help him to heal from the breakup more quickly, so that he can move on and find someone else. This includes providing him with money or sex too. You won’t get him back by trying to make him feel grateful to you.
This isn’t about him, it’s about you.
You are empowering yourself to become a woman of value. A woman he will come to see he cannot afford to lose.
It’s vital to be disciplined here. Giving him any emotional attention now will be seen by him as a kind of victory; as proof that he could still have you back if he wanted. And you don’t want that. You want to create a feeling of urgency in him, to make him aware that you will not always be there in the background, just waiting for him to come back.
When Should You End No Contact?
Not until you are SURE that getting back together is right for you.
Following the No Contact rule will not necessarily end in a reconciliation. No matter how desperate you felt at the beginning, in time you may come to see that your boyfriend is not the right man for you.
As long as you are still tempted to contact your boyfriend out of neediness, you know it is too soon. Thinking and fantasizing about seeing him again is a sure sign that you have not got your emotions under control yet.
When you are tempted to call him, make yourself write down your reason for doing so and what triggered it. Then think about what you hope to achieve by it, immediately and in the longer term. If you can’t come up with a cogent reason, then your longing to call is an impulsive, knee-jerk reaction. If you can, then ask yourself if it is a realistic objective. When you think about it dispassionately, you may come to see that it is just an idealistic fantasy.
This is not about game-playing. What you are really concerned about is healing yourself, so that you can truly move on, either to a better relationship with your ex boyfriend, or with someone who will make you much happier than he did.
What About Your Boyfriend During No Contact?
During this time you have spent apart, your boyfriend will have had his own thoughts about the breakup and whether it was the right thing to do. You have to face the fact that he may decide it is. If you are the only one still trying to rebuild things between you, then any reconciliation will be on his terms and will only confirm his power over you.
It is also likely to be temporary, as he will probably be keeping an eye out for someone better, and will move on when he finds her. If you are ever going to be happy with him, he needs to want you as much as you want him.
How Has No Contact Worked For You?
When you do it for the right reasons, the consequences of following the No Contact rule should always be positive.
That doesn’t mean you will always get your boyfriend back.
But whatever the outcome, if you observe the No Contact rule positively and actively, you will achieve massive improvements in your own life. This will make you a much more desirable partner for your next boyfriend, whoever he is.
Remember that a high quality man will not want a woman who depends on him for validation. He wants a woman who brings her own positive contribution to the relationship.
It’s time to raise the bar, and either build a better relationship with your ex, or find a man who is better suited to you than he was. Your old relationship was a failure. That’s sad, but you can only learn from experience. Now you can promise yourself that your next love is going to be MUCH better, and longer lasting. It’s what you’ve worked so hard for.
But remember that the most important transformation you can make is internal. If you spend time learning how to improve your relationship skills, you will be better equipped to build a successful relationship with your next boyfriend, whoever he may be. If you feel that you could use some help with this then please go and listen to this video. It will help you in the next stage of your quest to get your ex back.