Do you believe in soul mates? Do they really exist? Or do you think you should be happy with someone just because they press most of your buttons? In the end it has to be your choice, but how far do you think you should compromise? How many signs your boyfriend is not The One must you see, before you decide it’s time to look for someone else?
Of course, it’s hard to call time on any relationship, even a relatively new one. It’s hard to recognize when it’s necessary, and when you do, it’s hard to find the strength to walk away. Most people believe love can solve all things – until they discover that sometimes, it’s not enough. You can love someone to bits, yet not be happy with them, because in crucial ways they’re just not right for you. You’re not a good “fit” together.
So you need to know the warning signs. They might be staring you in the face, but because you’re in love, you don’t want to see them. But do yourself a favor and check out these signs your boyfriend is not the one on your relationship. Remember, you deserve happiness – real happiness. And it’s better to walk away now, than to spend your life regretting it.
1. You Don’t Really Feel Able to Trust Him
There are all sorts of ways of building trust – and of destroying it. When you first start dating someone, you build trust by doing what you say you’ll do, and vice versa. Does your boyfriend call when he says he will? Does he turn up on time when you have a date? If he says he’ll do something, does he actually do it?
Life happens, and sometimes there are good reasons why you can’t keep your word. But when this happens, you’ll make sure to explain and apologize to the other person, even if it’s not your fault. So if he’s being very cavalier in his attitude to your relationship, it could be a sign your boyfriend is not The One.
There are two things to consider here. Is this just the way he is? Is he a casual, fly-by-seat-of-his-pants kind of person, who doesn’t see anything wrong with changing his plans at the last minute? Even if that means he’s letting someone down? Someone (you) he’s supposed to care about?
Or is he just not that interested in you?
If it’s the former, you’ll have to decide whether you can live with it, and accept him as he is. If you can’t do that, if you know you wouldn’t be happy with such a man, then you will have to end things.
If it’s the latter, then your relationship has no future anyway, unless you can seriously ramp up the attraction between you.
In a good relationship you’ll feel secure. You’ll know he’s mad about you, and that he’ll be thinking about you when you’re apart. If you have doubts, it’s usually for a good reason. Just make sure though that you aren’t projecting your own insecurities onto him; or making him pay for the sins of boyfriends past.
2. You Can’t Really Connect With Each Other
Repeat after me: Chemistry Isn’t Everything. If you’re the kind of woman who regularly decides in 10 seconds flat that a man is absolutely, definitely not The One, then you especially should think about this. Because if you are that woman, when you DO meet a man with whom you instantly connect, you’re far more likely to be blind to his flaws.
Relationships aren’t built on chemistry alone. Yes, it’s great, it’s exciting, it’s the biggest possible motivation to give your all to make things work – but it’s not a guarantee that they will. And in most cases, it will – eventually – fade. And that’s when you need something else to fall back on – connection.
Real connection isn’t built instantly. It’s a gradual process that relies on learning about the people you really are. And the person you really are needs to be fundamentally compatible with the person your boyfriend really is for your relationship to work.
Do you fight a lot? Do you have very different ambitions? Do you disagree over your basic values? Has your relationship really been no more than a series of holidays, because you can’t or haven’t spent a lot of time together?
If so, it may be another sign your boyfriend is not The One.
3. You Bring Out the Worst in Each Other ( Not the Best)
Another reason connection is so important is that it is the main factor that determines whether your relationships brings out your best self – or your worst.
Think about it. If you truly connect on a deep level, you will have no trouble understanding, and being understood. But if you don’t connect, then the opposite will happen. Good relationships make you feel so secure and positive about that life that everything you do is enhanced by it. This is how the sum of two people in a great relationship can be greater than the sum of their two separate parts.
Even if you fight, you fight positively. Your discord resolves some hidden glitch in the relationship, and makes it stronger. No relationship can be moonlight and roses all the way, of course, but you never feel that happiness is forever eluding you; perpetually out of reach.
Unfortunately there are far too many women who end up in relationships that bring out their absolute worst. Have you ever had a happy and confident friend who somehow found herself in the wrong relationship? Months later she was anxious, insecure and perpetually on edge – you hardly recognized her.
Are you this woman yourself?
It doesn’t necessarily mean your boyfriend is intrinsically a bad guy. He might be, of course, but he might just be wrong for you; because he brings out the worst in you. This is one of the most powerful signs your boyfriend is not The One.
4. Your Dreams Are Poles Apart
If you are to be in it for the long-term, it’s essential that you agree about the fundamental things. What are those? Well, not the trivial things. I’m talking about your life goals and ambitions, and your moral and spiritual values.
You love the Harry Potter films, but your boyfriend thinks they’re rubbish? You can live with it. You want to stay in your home town with your picket fence and 6 children, but your boyfriend wants to spend years travelling the world without ties? You can’t.
You are both religious, but have different faiths? If you are prepared to be flexible, you can find some common ground. Your boyfriend is happy making a modest wage and spending lots of time on his hobbies, while you think a man should be career-driven and ambitious? You have a serious culture clash.
When your ambitions or beliefs are seriously divergent, either you have to make big compromises, or one of other of you has to give up their dreams. Neither solution is satisfactory, and it’s one of the strongest signs your boyfriend is not The One.
If you do persuade someone to give up their dreams for you, resentment will fester and in time the relationship will be poisoned. What are soul mates? They are people who want the same things out of life. So when that’s not true, you should probably accept that your boyfriend is not The One.
5. He Doesn’t Really Respect You
Did you know that men place such a high value on respect, they can’t really tell the difference between it and love? If a man doesn’t feel respected, he won’t feel loved; so he’s not likely to stay with you if that’s the case. So the problem of respect usually lies between him and you: does he really respect you?
Women often overlook this element, because to them love is much more important. But you shouldn’t overlook it. Because it is the strongest influence of all on how well your boyfriend treats you.
As I said above, respect is a big deal to men. And men don’t make great boyfriends to women they don’t respect.
So how do you get this respect, or tell whether or not your boyfriend respects you? Well, it’s partly a gut feeling, of course, but it shows in how he treats you. Does he admire you as a person? Does he support your aspirations and ambitions? Does he respect your boundaries?
Lots of women have problems with boundaries. But the woman a man respects has boundaries, and insists they are respected (by everybody, not just by him). You don’t allow people to take advantage of you. You have a strong sense of self. And you have your own life and interests, which you don’t abandon the moment you meet a man you want as your boyfriend.
If a man criticizes you or puts you down in public (eye rolling is a typical way of doing this), then he doesn’t really respect you. So if he does this, it’s a definite sign your boyfriend is not The One.
So How Many Signs Your Boyfriend Is Not The One Did You Count?
Did any of those issues strike a chord with you? Did all of them?
If your relationship is more about frustration and friction than satisfaction and fulfilment, then perhaps you should think about moving on. Making do with someone who is “just good enough” can lead to a lifetime of regrets.
But what if you feel that your relationship has potential, although it’s not exactly ideal at the moment? There are ways to ramp up the attraction your boyfriend feels for you; ways that can have him seeing you as the one and only woman he wants to be with – forever.
Imagine that, instead of Mr Offhand and Indifferent, your boyfriend could be turned into Mr Loving and Devoted. It is possible. Find out how here.
This Post Has 6 Comments
I really love my boyfriend. But there’s so many times when I don’t like him much. And those times are becoming more frequent; in fact, sometimes I really don’t LIKE him at all. I suppose that means he’s not really the one after all. But I can’t imagine leaving him. What should I do?
WHY don’t you like him?
Liking your partner in life is as important as loving them: if you don’t really like each other, then there will be no tolerance, forbearance or forgiveness. Without those, your relationship will soon become a simmering cauldron of resentment, leading eventually to hatred. You don’t want to go down that path.
So no, it doesn’t sound as if your boyfriend is the right man for you. And you’ll be doing both of you a favor if you end it now, so that both of you can find someone more suited to you.
I am happy with my boyfriend. But when I read the bit about respect, well, it rang a bell. Sometimes he behaves as if what I think just doesn’t matter; it isn’t really important. And I hate it. Should I end it? I don’t want to. Or is there some less drastic action I could take?
There certainly is! Your boyfriend may not deliberately intend to disrespect you; and if you haven’t told him how you feel, he won’t know and so he won’t change.
Next time it happens, pause and then quietly tell him how he is making you feel. Try not to get angry, and above all avoid saying things like “You always…” or “You never…”. Keep it specific, and if he is basically a good guy he should respond positively.
This describes my boyfriend. Reading this I can see he doesn’t treat me with respect. But how do I change that? CAN I change it? Can I change him?
From your comments on other articles, I can’t help wondering whether your boyfriend really does disrespect you, or whether it’s just your perception because he shows he’s sexually attracted to you. Please read my answers to your other comments, and then respond if you feel you still have a problem.