It’s always the ones you really, really want that are so elusive, isn’t it? In fact it happens so frequently that maybe there’s a pattern; maybe just wanting him so much was the problem. Maybe that’s why so many women are so prone to making totally unintentional mistakes that drive men away.
But you didn’t set out to sabotage your budding relationship. You wanted it to work so you invested in it and risked your heart on everything working out. And the chances are that your boyfriend too had hopes that you might turn out to be that one special woman.
So how is that two people with good intentions can’t get it together?
Well, the experience was probably different for him because he was coming from a different perspective, but it’s not helpful or even fair to either excuse or blame him for what happened. It’s much more useful to learn from your experience so that you can put it to better use next time.
And anyway you can’t change other people. You can only change yourself. And you can learn from your past experiences how easily women make quite unintentional mistakes that drive men away.
1. Chasing Him
You met this amazing guy and swapped numbers. He didn’t call so you texted him, sending him jokey texts and asking how his day was going. He replied but didn’t prolong the conversation. But you really like him so you keep texting and eventually suggest you meet for coffee. He agrees, you spend an enjoyable hour together but he doesn’t suggest another date.
But you are convinced he likes you, mainly because you like him and the wish is father to the thought. But he never calls or texts you; it’s always you who initiates contact. Is he too shy or unsure of your feelings? Perhaps you should make them clearer?
He knows you like him. He quite likes you too or he wouldn’t bother spending any time with you, but his feelings are lukewarm. To put it brutally he can take you or leave you, and if you weren’t making any effort he would leave you.
If a man wants to be with you he won’t leave you in any doubt, especially if you have given him signals telling him that you like him. And telling yourself that you are a modern woman and can chase a guy if you want to won’t change the outcome. You can indeed pursue him but doing so is one of those unintentional mistakes that drive men away.
It’s much more effective to pull back and give him space to come to you. And if he doesn’t then don’t waste any more time on him. Keep your romantic energy for a man who reciprocates it.
2. Trying Too Hard
You’ve had a few dates and as far as you’re concerned, that’s enough. He’s The One, and all that remains is for you to make him feel the same. So you go all out to show him what an amazing girlfriend aka wife aka mother of his future children you will be.
So you clean his flat, cook his dinner, pick up his dry cleaning, greet him every evening in your sexiest undies – how can he fail to see what a catch you are?
Only too easily.
You have lost sight of him as a person with feelings and opinions in this relationship. In fact you aren’t connecting with him at all, you are just seeing him as a means to an end (that end being happy ever after). He’s no longer required to contribute to the relationship, merely to perform in accordance with the script you have handed him.
Is it any wonder that he starts to withdraw?
A relationship should evolve naturally. If you are madly in love then that evolution might progress at the speed of a rocket, but the important thing is that you should both be moving at the same pace. If one of you is trying to force that pace then the other is going to feel pressured and uncomfortable.
And soon they will start to resist. This is another of those unintentional mistakes that drive men away.
3. Expecting Too Much, Too Soon
You’re sure he’s the one and you want to know he feels the same. But sometimes he doesn’t say or do the things you were hoping for, and so you have started to ask him why.
Why aren’t you seeing each other tonight?
Why doesn’t he bring flowers any more? He did when you first started dating.
Why does he insist on having his poker night with the guys? Wouldn’t he rather be with you?
Expecting things – or being entitled, as it looks to other people – is not an attractive trait. You are dating. You don’t own each other. And spending time apart will do wonders for your relationship because the times you do spend together will be so much more special.
Being angry and demanding makes a man feel pressured and unappreciated. He’ll begin to question whether you really are the right woman for him because it seems impossible to make you happy. And when a man feels he can’t make a woman happy he won’t want to be with her.
This is a big deal to men. It’s one of the most common reasons men give for ending a relationship, even a marriage, and is another of those unintentional mistakes that drive men away.
4. Constantly Needing His Validation
You’re never happy unless you’re with him. And why should you be? You’re madly in love and being with him is the source of your happiness. But he is giving you mixed signals and so you are constantly on edge, wondering where things are going.
Whenever you’re not with him you’re wondering how he feels about you and whether your relationship will last. And if doesn’t call back at once, well, that’s a big, big deal.
And you let him know it.
But what really kills the good relationship vibe is the whiff of desperation that comes from all this. OK, so you have great hopes for this relationship. Maybe he does too. But this is another of those unintentional mistakes that drive men away.
You see, it makes you look unworthy because YOU obviously don’t believe you are worthy of a great man. It makes a man question his choice. It makes him wonder if perhaps he could do better.
If you have confidence problems then do some work on it, preferably before trying to build a relationship. No-one wants to find themselves forever propping up another person’s shaky self-esteem.
5. Putting the Future Before the Present
You’ve had a few dates and so now you’re thinking about moving to the next level. You want to be official, boyfriend and girlfriend and start talking about moving in together. In fact you’ve already decided on the wedding caterers and drawn up a shortlist of names for your first three children.
Meanwhile your boyfriend is still enjoying getting to know you.
Yes, there are men who decide very quickly that a woman is The One, but usually they take a bit more time. And that doesn’t mean he won’t ever see you as his future, it just means that it’s a really important decision and he’s not going to start running until he can walk.
And you should beware when man comes on very strongly very quickly as it can be a massive red flag.
In the end it’s your mindset. Either you’re happy to live in the moment or you’re forever looking or more proof that you’re always going to be together. Even if/when you are married with children and a house in the suburbs, you’ll still be fretting over whether he’s faithful, wondering if he still thinks you’re hot and worrying that he’s about to leave you.
Having a few dreams about the future is fine. Trying to live in it before you get there will ruin everything.
6. Over-Analyzing Your Relationship
Does he? Doesn’t he?
Did he? Didn’t he?
Why didn’t he do this?
Why did he do that?
What does it all mean?
Women have a terrible tendency to over-analyze their relationships, especially with men. And especially when they are putting all their hopes into that relationship.
Of course you don’t want to waste your time with a man who isn’t looking for a serious relationship, not when that’s what YOU want. But it should become clear quite quickly whether he’s in it for the long haul. Because if he is he’ll invest in the relationship, make plans and even start talking about the future.
But not if you keep nagging him to tell you where he thinks the relationship is going on your third date. If he’s calling regularly and you are having some great dates then take as a positive sign. That’s how it should be when you’re just getting to know each other.
Not looking for clues or measuring up how rosy the future looks. Because that leads to seeing him through rose colored spectacles and that’s never a good thing. Remember it’s your decision too.
You’re both learning how well you fit together.
He wants to find out more about you and you want to find out if he’s as great underneath as he seems on the surface. So don’t heap on the pressure. Keep your cool and remind yourself that you don’t know him yet, and no matter how good he’s looking now he may NOT be The One.
7. Forgetting You Have a Life of Your Own
Of course you want to spend as much time with your new man as possible…but WITHOUT sacrificing your own life.
This is the biggest of the unintentional mistakes that drive men away.
A man is flattered when a woman he likes makes him a priority in her life. But he doesn’t want his life swamped by a new and still developing relationship. Nor does he want to think there’ll never be any time and space for him to have his own life. And even less does he was to become the beginning, the middle and the end of someone else’s life.
It’s just too much, too intense, too extreme.
He wants to know you spend time with him because it’s what you want, not because you have nothing better to do. That’s not very flattering. Worse, it’s claustrophobic.
A woman who has a rewarding and interesting life of her own isn’t going to want to give that up for a man, any man. She won’t be able to give it as much time as she did when she was single, that’s obvious, but she will still want to keep her interests, her hobbies, her friends and her career.
In a healthy relationship the two partners don’t spend all their time with each other. Well-adjusted adults need their own space in which to do the things they enjoy, or merely to be alone.
A Life is More Than One Relationship (No Matter How Incredible)
A multi-dimensional person is much more interesting and much more challenging than someone whose whole life is their relationship. When you lose sight of who you are it always leads to problems in relationships because it prevents you being a well-balanced, well-integrated adult.
A high value man will soon tire of a woman who doesn’t have her own act together. He needs to believe you are a prize, not a burden. And then he’ll be happy to devote his life to making you happy.
Never compromise your priorities because it’s those that make you desirable to your man. Contrary to what so many women think, sacrificing those priorities for him will kill his desire and love for you, not reinforce it. He wants to believe you chose him above all others and that he keeps your devotion by working hard to deserve it.
Go here to find out how.